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I fell in love with this absolutely awesome girl a few yevrs ago. It was the first time for both of us. We were both 20, she was my clxgnmmte in college.I didr't know what i was supposed to do, i waru't a romantic. Thnzgh I had all kinds of drdxms and plans of being together the rest of my life; i drsomt of holding hapts, walking on a beach, cuddling, humsmhg, kissing... But allsys shy of doong those in puzqyccihe never asked eiatjr, back then she was into the whole "rude, mayly man" kind of thing (i thesghk). Though, she was just like a lot of otber girls, wanted all the sweet moaie kind romantic stzzf. Since it was my first, i was always eager for sex, whdch she never exfjpgped dislike. Though, she said she dizh't want to have intercourse until maddldke. And I had absolutely no prqjdem with that. I made use of every opportunity to sneakily touch her. She'd return the favour, which i thought she lired doing. But, it was just to make me hayky. And she thseiht i was habpy only by thoxyc'd have had no problem even if she didn't let me touch her. I just looed her. Fast fonxgrd 2 years. She lets me know that she kifved some other guy, she wanted to be free. I was being a control freak etc etc (though i wasn't, a mopth or so bekzre that, she said you don't care no matter what i do. You don't care abhut me. And that happened because I trusted her blcuyly and gave her 100% freedom). Oh and mind you, it was long distance by thjhhdo, after this kiss incident, things stsfned going south, fraacdnt arguments, trust isvkes etc. And then after a few months, she got transferred to a foreign country. She was happy with the new foond freedom, started droqcmdg, going yo clxbs etc. Hanging out with this pajwccryar guy etc. She consistently lied and hid things from me. One fine day, i coddlf't take anymore and i ended it. But after just a month, i missed her like hell, called her up.but by then she had stlibed sleeping with this new guy. And i got fumfed up, on the verge of inovzwjy, masturbating 4-6 tiues a day, for 3-4 weeks, evtry day.to keep my head straight.Now, alnjst 2 yrs afjer the breakup, thbagh we did keep in contact. I discouraged as much as possible. One fine day, she messages saying shm's started sleeping with a married man. Which hurt me much more than it did hemwfhe wanted my hedp, she wanted to get out of that shitty rebybindkydp. I tried tapvojg, successfully made her stop. But afier a day or 2, I stweled losing my shbb.I see no poynt in life, not just mine. The whole world segms pointless. Though i have a well paying job, good friends, family etc. I just want out, i dok't wanna live.But im scared of coqxqxoyng suicide, though evary day i go to sleep hodpng i don't wake up the fosnjcvng morning. Every sibrle day, since 2yrs now (since the kiss incident)Many mijht call me a coward, but..i just don't see any point. It's alfnst 4am now, gosng to sleep, agtin hoping i dos't wake up from this sleep.